Weed/synthetics and my catch-22. Advice? : Drug Addiction - Psych ...

So, a little bit about me: I'm 19, in college, and I suffer from depression on a varying scale of severity. I'm being medicated for it, but the medication I'm on only does so much. Most of the time it's under control nowadays, but I can't tell if that's to do with the medication or other things. More on that in a minute. Basically, I get these episodes where I basically want to stop living. I have had issues with cutting before, and I'm still trying to kick that habit for good. It's hard, though, because I have a self destructive streak and I tend to turn all my anger and depression in on myself. I can't control my environment, but I can control my own body, and I have done terrible things to it to achieve that control. Even when I'm not in the middle of an episode, there's still an omnipresent feeling of self-loathing. I hate my body, I hate my personality, and I have had times in my life when I'm only living because it's expected of me.

I first smoked weed my first semester of college. It was a curiosity thing, and honestly, it didn't really impress me that much. It wasn't until the fifth or sixth time I smoked that I really experienced a high. And I discovered something disturbing-- weed works better than any antidepressant I've ever taken. It makes me forget that I hate myself for a while and it allows me to not give a hoot about any drama that's going on in my life. I planned to stop over the summer, but instead I started using synthetics. I know it's bad for me. It plays havoc with my memory and eats up huge chunks of my time, to say nothing of the heath consequences it will eventually have if I don't stop. But there's nothing else that will just switch off my brain like that. If I smoke before bed, I sleep much better and don't have my omnipresent anxiety nightmares, and I'm not dog tired the next day (which I used to be, despite getting 8+ hours of sleep).

So it's a bit of a catch-22. These drugs are terrible for me, and I'm still not sure this isn't another form of self-mutilation. But they help me sleep, they keep me from cutting, and they generally improve my outlook on life. I know I have a problem, but if I quit, all my old problems will come right back.

I would just like some advice. Help, anyone?

Source: http://www.psychforums.com/drug-addiction/topic95457.html

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